What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
