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if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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