I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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