I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
