I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
