There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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