Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
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