Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
