i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
