You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
