I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
