You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize