If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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