I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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