Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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