He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
