my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
