Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
