I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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