Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize