yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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