you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
