just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
