Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
