My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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