She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
