She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
