The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
