I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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