true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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