My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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