I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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