when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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