finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
3 2 1 whiskey
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
