If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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