every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
