her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
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