I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
