Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
there is glitter all over my balls
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
