i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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