I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Randomize