do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
