The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
