I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
