I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
