You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
