my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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