Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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