I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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