FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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