Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
