Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Randomize
