I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
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