I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
