How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
