Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
