well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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