Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
